three of clubs

clubs: writing from someone close to me
three: promises, secrets
1 on the die: this bit of your love does not become history

[intercepted before it could escape the veil, clutched in thin fingers and then lost.]

(content warnings for depictions of very young children being very ill and near-death.)

they were always a solemn, quiet child. foundlings tended towards being louder than orphans, likely a result of being ignored for so long, but ronan never did, not for that first year they were in my care. it made it all the more frightening when they were ill. they were so small, even then— a wonder they had survived in the first place, left as long as they had been outside of the door— but they were stiller even than i had seen them before.

we still do not know exactly what it was that befell them. likely a complication from a simple illness a healthy adult would have fought off quickly, taking firm grip and refusing to shake. ronan was clearly in pain, clearly suffering, but they just stared at me with hazy eyes as i tried everything i could. i could almost see the determination in their gaze, that refusal to cry. (it lingered into adulthood, i know this.)

they were lost to me. i knew this. there came a point where there was nothing more i could do except sit there, and pray to the bellringer to take the child quickly, and not let them suffer.

what happened next was a secret i intended to take with me to the grave, and in fact did. i only write it to you now in order to help you understand the stone that has been placed into the river. and i can only hope that this makes it to you, and that the herald doesn’t double-cross me. (she likely will, and i do not blame her for her lot in life, should she be reading this.)

i witnessed what can only be regarded as a miracle, and it is likely what resulted in my early demise; for i have known no mortal witness an altercation between two manifestations of such raw power and live longer than a few years following. ronan was meant to die that night, and She Herself came to collect them. all the lights had whispered out, and i could hardly see in front of me, and i had half a mind to beg for the life of this child who was not even one year old, though i knew such an endeavor would be fruitless. but i didn’t need to bother, for She was intercepted by fate before She could touch them. and fate spoke to Her then.

you are interfering with forces even i do not understand. this child has strings unlike any i have ever seen before, and it would do you well to not snap them now, or else this very reality could unravel, and you would be without sustenance.

i daresay She would have tried her hand at taking ronan for Her own anyway, fate be damned; but she could not. despite everything, she was unable to take their soul for her own, and eventually left. i woke some time later, and wondered if what i had witnessed was a product of an overactive imagination; but when i rushed to check on the child they merely blinked up at me with eyes clearer than i had seen them for weeks, and then gave me a blessing i have never known since— they smiled at me. i do believe it was the first smile ronan had ever made, and it was for me, upon the miracle of their survival.

i never told anyone this before. whenever anyone asked after ronan’s recovery i told them i had misunderstood the severity of their illness, or that lamldir had come to instill his protection. i still do not understand why i was granted this vision, or exactly what it means. i am sure it is not for me to understand, and perhaps not even for ronan to understand; but i did my best to keep them safe til the end of my days and then after, anxiously watching across the sea.

i have not heard word of them since the fall of aphiel’s temple. i love them as though they were my own blood, and i beg whoever finds this missive and passes beyond next, please bring any news you may have of my child.